Light and Shade

I suppose I am standing in the shadow cast by the mountainous pile of THINGS THAT MUST BE DONE that I am not getting done. I don’t ever need to hear what I’m not doing or not doing right. Although I often sacrifice “done right” for “done at all.” Because I have the classic need to “procrastinate until it can be done perfectly” syndrome to circumvent. Which can only be gotten around by the doing anyway. 

I read in a book years ago that, for some of us, the saying “anything worth doing, is worth doing right” should be changed to “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” Because at least it will have been done. 

Much of my angst and turmoil stems from that mountain of things I need to do. And my uncertainness of my ability to accomplish them. 

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment to get started with getting on track with my meds again (stimulants for ADD and anti anxiety for anxiety and to chill my reaction with the stimulants). 

Today I have already had a good cry and feel lighter. 

Only because of one small thing. The tiny bit of positive reinforcement that I got for her about the things she sees that I am doing right. 

I am a widow. And a mother of a 12 year old boy (they are known for singing the praises of their mothers, yes?). 

I am sadly lacking in appreciation right now. Even before, my husband was not an overly demonstrative man in that way. And then he became ill and he wasn’t demonstrative in any way, busy as he was with the whole pain and not dying business. 

It’s one of the reasons we medicate ourselves. With drugs or food or sex or books. When you are in the shadows, you’ll do whatever is necessary to give yourself a lightening. Even if it turns out it was lightning and you end up singed. 

So today there is a little beam of light pushing aside the shadow of Shoulds just a little. And I feel lighter for it.