Remembering The Dead

For me, I end up not being a fan of September. It starts out okay. I love school starting up. I enjoy the easing of the temperatures.  I like fall. I like spring and fall best, but spring tends to be a riotous toddler freshly woke from a nap given to tantrums and erratic behavior. It’s just hard to keep up. Fall is more of a gentle easing. The hot, full, carefree party days of summer are through, though remembered with fondness, and we settle in to enjoy the harvest bounty while looking ahead toward the hibernative nature of the rest of the turning of the wheel.

This is good.

But then, you know, things have happened in September to make it less appealing. Personally for me, it’s my mom’s death. The 21st. This year I was hurrying to accomplish some legal things regarding her death before a time limit ran out. This involved me telling the specifics of the situation multiple times to multiple people who then declined to hear any more about it.

In the midst of this, the 11th showed up to pull the shades down a touch lower.

Sigh.

So I put out a question to my internet friends.

What songs do you listen to for cheering up and endurance, you’ll get through this inspiration?

I got lots of great suggestions, but one in particular hit the spot for me that day.

It’s funny how you forget things.

Things that were a very large part of your existence.

I grew up in a family that was very much into the Grateful Dead.

It was very much the background music of my childhood. And often the foreground music as well. We had lots of family gatherings that centered around us all going to their concerts. The fabric of my life is tie-dyed. Really.

So when someone suggested “I Will Survive” by the Grateful Dead (Touch of Grey, actually) I knew immediately that that was one I needed to listen to. And as I did, it reminded me of those times before.  Those times before I grew up and life got complicated. Before I had known much loss and change. Before she was gone. I listened to a few more of their songs* and felt really close to my mom again.

My heart settled and healed a bit.

It feels good to remember the Dead.

*other songs like:

friend of the devil

truckin

sugar magnolia

uncle john’s band

Just Keep Paddling!

 

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sometimes I sit next to the ocean and listen to the waves crashing,

just one after the other endlessly and eternally.

without regard for my problems or issues.

enormous and everlasting.

bigger than me.

 

bigger than nearly everything.

more powerful than me and anything that is thrown at it.

rocks and problems and anything are are tumbled and polished until they are but a grain of sand.

a tiny grain of sand among billions.

as am I.

and then I know that I am small and insignificant in the grand order of things.

and that is as it should be.

and my pain or sorrow is tossed into the ocean to be tumbled and ground down to but a grain of sand and wounds rinsed and cleansed with water and salt.

whatever the source of your comfort,

know that you are on the right path,

everything is as it should be for now,

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DSCN6055and you will get where you need to be if you can keep paddling.

 

Six Word Friday: Rusty

I know that rusty can mean

a whole entire list of things.

But, for me, Rusty only means

the one single important special thing:

My mom’s best and favorite dog.

We had many over the years.

But mom was never very good

at the discipline of their training.

So often we had to rely

upon their good nature to achieve

Good behavior and long term harmony.

As you can imagine, that didn’t

always work out all that well.

Rusty came into Mom’s life by

random chance or by serendipitous circumstance.

She found him wandering one day.

It seems he’d been a hunter.

Extremely well trained and highly restricted

in his previous life and interactions.

Theirs was a match made in

dog-lover and human-owner heaven.

Rusty came pre-trained and well behaved.

Mom gave him the freedom to

relax and just be a dog.

She was devastated when he died.

When she died, we mixed her

and his ashes and released them

into the ocean together. Together forever.

 

A Day of Peace

It’s not a holiday that get’s much play.

Not a lot of money to be made hawking Peace Day cards, I suppose.

So I rarely hear of it and often forget about it.

But someone on Fb will mention it and I will get the message just when I really need it most.

September 21st is the anniversary of my mom’s death and can be really hard.

I think she would appreciate that it’s the International Day of Peace.

She would want us to remember her and celebrate peace.

Two years is a long time. But 54 is longer. I don’t want to let her death overshadow the fact of her life.

She is at peace.

Hopefully the rest of us can be, too.

Peace be with you.

This morning’s sunrise.

Peace be with us.

Let there be peace on Earth,

and let it begin with me.

~*~

PEACE
BE
WITH
YOU.

Furious Dancing

I stole this off of facebook (here).

I love, love, love it!

I also can’t help but think that it may help some today.

Mother. May. I…

She was born in 1956. She would be 56 this year. Just a quick 20 years older than I.

Being as her birthday is the 13th of May, it is always engaged in a dance with the Mother’s Day.

Occasionally they meet up.

Like today.

Last year was the first Mother’s Day since she’d been gone and her birthday was on the Friday before it. I don’t know yet if it’s harder this way or not. I’ll hazard a guess that every year will be hard in its own unique way.

This year, I would have loved for her to see me hanging my BFA Senior Art Show which opened on Thursday. and graduating next month. and, of course, how big and strong and cool her favorite (and only) grandson is growing up to be. These things hurt my heart.

But we will not dwell on them too long, for while they are true, they are not the whole story. The whole story is so much bigger and broader than just that. I talk to her about these things and ask her to help me and watch over things.

and still, that is not the whole story. I am so grateful for the 34 years that we had together even as rough as some of them we were on each other. There are many, too many, people that lose their parent far younger than I did and have an even smaller bank of memories to draw upon to comfort them when they need it. Obviously, I would have liked to have longer with her. I would have loved to have been able to grumble and fumble our relationship into our old ages together. But that is not the cards we’ve been dealt. And you have to play the cards in hand, not the rest of the deck.

I’ve probably rambled on for long enough.

I love you, Mom.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU! (and the Grandmas)

I miss you.

 

Healing Susan

So.

This morning a friend on Facebook posted this link.

http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com/2012/01/22/how-did-we-get-here/

I went and read this post by the strongest bravest person I’ve seen in quite some time.

If you have a moment to click through and read about her journey and send her some healing thoughts or prayers, you won’t regret it.

For me, the comments are what got me.

When I read it there were 245 comments all saying something very close to the same thing.

Dear Susan, we love you. You are surrounded and bathed in love. You are lifted in healing light. We are thinking of you and sending you love and prayers.

The love I could feel coming off the screen was very nearly palpable, but that wasn’t what got me.

You see, my mother was named Susan.

Reading comment after comment about how Susan is loved and lifted in the light hurts a little, but mostly heals my heart.

Dear Mama,

I love you.

You are surrounded and bathed in love.

You are lifted in healing light.

I am thinking of you and sending you love and prayers.

Healing Thoughts

There is plenty of evidence that our thoughts have strength beyond the outer limits of our body.

Within our body we have seen that thinking a medicine will work has a measurable effect on it working, even if it is a placebo. As long as there have been humans, there have been examples of good thoughts or prayer having affected healing when other options have failed. Recently there has been scientific research showing our interconnectivity as humans. Not in a warm, fuzzy New Age way, but measurable, provable effects.

So I’m setting my intention here.

Many of us are bruised and battered today. We have been beaten up, knocked down, rolled over, and dragged under either physically or emotionally. Put through the wringer until every last drop of energy or hope has been squeezed out of us.  I am sending you mine. Right now. Close your eyes and imagine that you can see it. Streaming across the universe like a beam of light. I imagine it pools at your feet like a glowing puddle, just waiting for you to reach down and grab it. Reach down and grab it. Wrap it around you like a warm blanket to protect you against the cold. Wear it as a bandage to hold together those wounds that feel as though they may never heal. Throw it over your shoulders as a cape to lend you superhuman strength against those burdens you cannot lift. Fashion yourself a shield to carry for protection into the fray. Grab hold of it as a lifeline, knowing that I will never let go of my end.

May you be bathed in healing energy, held tenderly in love’s light, cradled and lifted in hope’s hands.

Whatever else happens today, know that I am loving you through it. That my heart has room enough for you to hide inside. That my shoulders are strong and soft for leaning on. That tomorrow the sun will rise and the ocean’s wave will continue to wash up on the shore.

The Bestest Friends

My mom would make this candy/dessert thing.

It tasted almost exactly like Reece’s peanut butter cups only in bark/bar form. They were really good. I was going to get the recipe from her. She had mentioned that it was her mom’s recipe and it only had 4 ingredients. Unfortunately I didn’t get it from her before she died.

But, I did find a similar recipe on a great food site: Our Best Bites. (It only has 6 ingredients.)

I don’t cook much, but in my head I am a great cook and would totally make most everything on their site.

I knew I wouldn’t get around to making it, so I emailed the link to my friend who cooks more than I do and asked if she would make it for me.

That was yesterday.

Today I had this:

 

As a surprise for me she made them already.

I have the bestest friends in the whole wide world. ♥

Banned Book Week

Today I was running around trying to get ready to go to school. We started up today. I was looking for a shirt that I like to wear, but I couldn’t find it. (In the time allotted. 🙂 ) Failing to find that shirt, I decided to wear a shirt that was my mom’s. Luckily she liked to wear baggy clothes so some things fit me. I was looking for that shirt (which is black) when I noticed a black shirt on top of a stack of shirts on the shelf in the closet. I grabbed it thinking it was the shirt I was looking for. It was not. It was a different shirt of my mom’s.

Which reminds me:

It’s Banned Books Week!

September 24 – October 1, 2011

bannedbooksweek.org/

Thanks, Mom! I would totally have forgotten. ♥

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