Proof of Life

Having lost both my mother and husband in recent times, I’ll add that I REALLY wish I had more pictures that I am in with them. I am usually behind the camera and have never liked having my picture taken. Now that they are gone, I wish I had done it differently. I have been trying to make sure that I am in more photos with Casey since mom died, but I have about 5 pictures total that I am in with Al. and that hurts my heart. When I look at pictures of my mom, I don’t see what she looked like, I see what she felt like. and that there is proof that she was here and we were with her in this life.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html
get yourself in front of the camera with your loved ones.

Self Portrait Saturday: A Shadow of Myself

Shadows are funny things. They show a picture of you that is both you and not you. I take pictures of my shadow because it helps me to remember that the way I see myself, and even how others see me, is not the way I actually am. Shadows change minute by minute depending on the location of several moving bodies both celestial and terrestrial. These moving, changing, progressing bodies affect how the shadow is perceived, but not the actual body that the shadow comes from. A lesson to keep in mind.

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Self Portrait Saturday: Baseball Gear

I haven’t done self portrait saturday in a while, so here is a picture my friend took at our baseball game last week. Spring here isn’t really that warm yet, so watching baseball requires some gear. and for good measure a picture of Child C sliding into home to steal a run.

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I am not fat. (Viewer discretion advised)

When I talk about my ADD I try to be careful to make the distinction that I have it, not that I AM it.  I’ve blogged about it before.  Someone posted on facebook recently a sentence that, after it had a little time to sink in, really made my stop and think. What they posted was:

Fine, I have fat, not I am fat.

At first I dismissed it a little. Yes, of course, that makes sense. So? But it refused to give up as easily as that and niggled around in my brain, tapping at neurons until I paid more attention to it. Right. Okay. Yes. It’s kind of obvious once you think about it, isn’t it? I have fat. It does not define me. As much as our thin obsessed society would like me to think otherwise, I am not fat. I have fat. I have fat on my body. Some of which, maybe even most, I’d like to take off of my body. I am working at doing so. But in the meantime I am resolved to love my body for the beauty that it holds now.

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I have fat. That little word has no bearing on myself as a person. It has nothing to do with my heart, my soul, my sexiness, my womanliness, my abilities as a mother, as a spouse, or as an artist.

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I think that our media and society has fetishized thinness to point where people have trouble believing that any variation is attractive at all. It’s hard to envision yourself as beautiful when society holds up a picture of what beauty is and you don’t match it. We have swallowed the line heard so often; that we ARE fat and that being fat is a failing. The truth is that having fat is not a failing. Even if you want to lose weight or fitten up, it is possible to love yourself and your body now. In fact, you must. The way you talk to yourself colors the entirety of your experience. If you are hateful toward your body it won’t work with you it will work against you. You need to love your body into a new shape.

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I wonder if it would be easier to turn down a “fatty” dessert if you could just say, “No, thanks. I already have enough fat.” As opposed to drawing it in to the fatness that you ARE because you can’t separate yourself from your fat. Hard to say. But it’s sure as hell worth a try.

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A funny thing happened yesterday. I was on Pinterest and ended up spending 15 or 20 minutes looking a a couple of boards in promotion of Curvy women. After just that little amount of time had a big effect on my perception of my own body.

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Just that small amount of time looking a big beautiful women let me see in me some of the things that I considered beautiful about them. Imagine if that could happen all of the time. If women of every beauty type across the broad spectrum were regularly represented in mainstream media. If your culture said that you were beautiful, too.

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It is hard to imagine it.

What if our young men saw that it was okay to find more than one type of woman attractive? What if it was not considered a fetish to be attracted to bigger people? What if we allowed people to love who they love without labels?

What if I told you you’re beautiful?

What if you knew it already because you didn’t have to fight so hard against society’s cookie cutter idea of beauty?

What if I am not fat? What if I have fat?

What if it doesn’t really matter that much if I do?

Your Body is NOT Wrong

Read this post:

http://inkdot.tumblr.com/post/7243925631/no-shit

“everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses – everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles. ”

 

It’s not you. It’s them.

Love yourself

Here are some quotes and writings on loving yourself that I have read today. I think they are just divine.

‎”This is not about judgment or me telling anyone anything about what they should do – this is about each and every one of us learning what it means to truly take care of ourselves like the special, beautiful, and intricately glorious person that we are.” -Mara Glatzel.

This came from this post on  Mara Glatzel’s blog.

And another one from that same blog, but a different post:

“Anything else you’d like readers to know?

That they are sacred and miraculous and genius and remarkable, by virtue of being human. That the idea that your body is not gorgeous as it is is a big lie. I wrote this in a recently note to my subscribers and I’d love for these women to know it too:

Your mind’s complaints about your body will distract you till the day of your death if you let them. Don’t. Call them out, boot them out, and then party with the gorgeous suit you got for this round. Be the woman who didn’t listen to the dominant lie of her time.”

~Tara Sophia Mohr

I came to that blog from this post that I love from kind over matter which includes a bunch of great links about loving yourself and the body you are in now.

Self Portrait Saturday. ON A SATURDAY!

 

 

 

Joined a gym.

Found out I shouldn’t eat dairy.

Goal: Get fit.

 

Self Portrait Saturday: Brave

I think I mentioned a while ago that I was having my photographer friend, Erin take some photos of me. She did a fabulous job for me, and while the main impetus for the pictures was an art project I’m working on, she took some great photos that  turned out even better than I’d expected.

So, in the  interest of my journey toward self acceptance and confidence through self portrait, I am going to share them here.

 

 

 

 

 

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that some of these have been photoshopped just the tiniest bit. And I only mention it because I am adamant that while photoshop is a wonderful tool, I think it is highly abused in the media. To the point that I think it’s criminal. But that is a rant for another day. So here is the original for the top one, which has the most changes. They are not over done and I love the pictures.

Self Portrait Saturday: Flowers

I’m working on my senior thesis to graduate with my BFA next term. That’s 16 paintings in a series. My theme is abstracted landscapes. I’m looking at doing one that involves using a picture of me covered in a flowery cloth. I started experimenting a couple days ago. Since my cameraman (husband) wasn’t available to do the full body shots that I have in mind, I decided to just see how it would work just on my face. They turned out pretty interesting.

Then I switched to two layers.

And then three, but that didn’t really work as well. But it’s interesting and may work better with more generalized shapes.

Self Portrait Saturday: Drawing Homework

My homework in drawing class this term has been to draw self portraits.

I got caught up last weekend finally, although I do have to do another one this week.

This one was supposed to be areas of value without using line.

I chose to use crayon.

Mostly because I can achieve the areas of value and the line in the same manner as charcoal without the mess.

Which is groovy for working at home.

This one is areas of value with line included.

Once I chose crayon, I decided to use a different color of the rainbow for each one.

This one was just to use wet media. I chose yellow ink.

One thing about wet media is that it doesn’t always behave for you.

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