Selfish Semantics.

Content warning: suicide.

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The other day I received news that my friend’s ex had killed himself. He was, generally speaking, a good guy and it’s a sad thing. [He contracted/developed a Bonehead Disorder for which he refused to seak treatment that led to their breakup. It surprised all of us because he’d previously not shown any symptoms 🤷‍♀️]

As it happens, that friend is my person. And who I usually can vent to when something is bothering me. In this situation, she understandably, is not in the headspace to be that for me. As she shouldn’t have to, of course.

Luckily it was just a couple days till my regular therapy appointment.

I spoke to my therapist about things and eventually we were talking about suicide more generally (since that’s also how I lost my mom, there’s some history stuff churned up).

I said that “I know people say that suicide is really selfish…”

She said that it is.

We had a bit of a discussion about it.

It came down to realizing that my interpretation of “selfish” includes intent and greed. Which I don’t think is usually what’s going on. She agreed with me and we tried to think of another way to say selfish that didn’t also have those connotations.

The next day I came up with thoughtless, but I still don’t think that’s the right word either because part of the problem is thinking wrongly. They put a lot of thought behind it. But from inside their depression or other illness, they don’t have, or can’t see, the correct information.

Negligent was another word that is close, but not quite right.

As I started to write this post, my intention was to grumble a bit and complain about not having thought of the correct word to convey my meaning properly. As a person who takes pride in her facility with words it’s frustrating.

The act of coalescing my thoughts to write them down enabled me to produce a word/phrase that I think might work.

Self-oriented.

Because of their situation and/or mental health they aren’t able to see out of the pain and darkness to account for the feelings of others accurately. And depression lies to you.

Depression Lies.

If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out for help.

800-273-8255

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/&ved=2ahUKEwjiiZ7OxbDwAhVOsp4KHfetAc8QFjAPegQIJhAC&usg=AOvVaw0VrgVCubddcNXfazK6KrGh

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Permission for Enthusiasm, Ma’am!

I was in a situation recently where there was a certain expectation that I would behave in an unrestrained or enthusiastic manner.

And I did.

And it felt really good and freeing.

Which caused me to notice that I don’t typically act that way. And lament that I don’t.

Stewing on the WHY, I’ve been reading recently about a common symptom or comorbidity with adhd called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This is where you are very sensitive to the pain of rejection from being scolded or mocked. Because of that you start to self censor preemptively to avoid anticipated rejection.

This leads you to sand off the “sharp corners” of your behavior and personality in order to not be singled out for punishment for acting up or out.

And you whittle down your life until you are safe; invisible.

So with this revelation/realization, which I think is made possible because I’m on prozac and can see around and behind my anxieties instead of just being in them.

I can see this. And I can work on not doing this anymore.

Starting with Permission for Enthusiasm which I bestow upon myself.

Potatoes and Nostalgia

I can only really make a couple things my mom made. One is celery boats. Mmmm, so good.

The other is potato soup.

Handwritten recipe by Mom

I don’t make it very often. Mostly because my immediate family doesn’t really like it and I end up eating all of it.

Which is fine insofar as it’s delicious and I love it and I’m always a fan of leftovers. But nowadays, I’m not supposed to have carbs and it’s full of potatoes.

Which are, of course, one of my favoritest foods. Especially when combined with sausage…mmmm.

And even moreso when it’s combined with the memories of mom.

Is there a more potent combination than potatoes and nostalgia?

Very doubtful.

So yesterday I made mom’s soup and splurged and ate 3 bowls. Yumm.

Today I’m trying not to snarf down the rest of it, even though that is my first instinct.

For breakfast, I had a bowl of broccoli and cauliflower with a scoop of soup over it for flavor.

I deserve a medal!

Boy also had a bowl today. He had me add rice to it. I haven’t heard how it was. But I also didn’t hear any complaints. So…

I’m full up with food and memories today.

It maybe doesn’t look so great, but it is!

I’m not racist, but…

I’m not racist, but I’m capable of doing or saying racist things unknowingly because of my privilege or ignorance.

I’m not racist. I can back up this claim by listening to people of color who let me know where I’ve erred. Even if, or especially if, it doesn’t seem like it to me.

I’m not racist, so I don’t have to get defensive and deny. I can admit that I may need work and take the lesson.

Where you can find me and my stuff!

I maintain a small presence on Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DancesWithPaint

And also on redbubble.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/DancingCreek/shop

I’m on Instagram.

View this post on Instagram

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And I’m on Facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/art.by.brook/

And on patreon.

https://www.patreon.com/Dancingcreek

I’ve now joined Tiktok:

@ dancingcreek

And have an Amazon wishlist:

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3HBQ7FRYPNIAL?ref_=wl_share

Portland Protest Song

I feel pretty strongly about the role of the artist to support and facilitate the actions of the frontline folks.

Posters, stickers, flyers, digital and analog artworks all do their job bouying up the cause.

And music, music is the heartbeat and the soundtrack of life and of a revolution. Giving people the words and a beat to express their emotions and help to demonstrate the issues at hand is a calling.

For my small part, I have written a protest song and got my son to rap it for me. It’s currently on SoundCloud and will soon be on all major streaming platforms.

Edited to add:

Now it can be found on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/track/3reiMOExOkfJyLS53hhyy5?si=sVedswjUS0q7eZWEQPQlfg

And YouTube https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qXUSNr4bFDM

And Apple Music as well.

https://music.apple.com/us/album/you-built-this-wall-feat-kyotothekid-single/1532956000

The Dontinental Divide

My husband used to watch a lot of documentaries on the history channel.

We sometimes watched them together if I was also interested in the topic.

I remember watching one that was on the methods that the folks would have used to build a stonework like Stonehenge considering the tools available and the magnitude of scale.

The expert showed us first how they would have towed great stones on logs from the quarry to the site. Rolling the stone forward until it leaves the rear log and then bringing it around to be the front “wheel.”

But the really interesting thing was seeing how they would split these giant stones using only hand tools.

They would hand drill holes along where they wanted the split to be. Then they would hammer a small wedge into the hole. And into each of the holes. Then they would gradually increase the size of the wedges, driving the gap bigger until eventually the stone cracks along the fault line created by these wedges.

This feels a lot like what has happened in this country as of late. We are so divided and I don’t feel optimistic that we’ll be able to bridge the divide. Even if there aren’t active wedges being driven.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope that these cracks don’t indicate a schism that can’t be repaired.

Protests in Portland

I feel like starting with Portland was a tactical move based on the tough guy mentality that it’s just a bunch of hippies and soccer moms, so it should be quick and we’ll look like we won almost immediately.
But the tactic backfired because if they can just outlast you, then you just look like an asshole who beats up hippies and soccer moms.

If he’d chosen some other city, they might have reached a flashpoint quickly and then you can quell the violence and you also win that way.
The error was underestimating the strength of people who don’t choose fighting as a first response. It often takes more strength to turn down a fight, especially in a society like ours that glorifies combatants and the victors.

This, by the way, is my observations that were validated by my Marine Corps Veteran husband.

Black Lives Matter

Dear Universe,

Dear Universe, I appreciate the blessings you are sending. I only struggle with how to get there from here. Thank you for the help to get there from here. <3-B

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