Consent. (Adult themes and situations)

So I’ve read recently about a couple instances of ridiculousness in terms of what legal consent is or isn’t or should or shouldn’t be. 

Let me say first that merely achieving consent is a pretty low bar to set for dual participation activities. I did not think this up, but I’ve been staunchly in favor of it since I read it (somewhere that I can’t remember): 

You want enthusiastic participation. Not just someone who lets you, but someone who wants you and is tuned in, turned on, and excited to be doing it. 

If you don’t have that, consider why not and don’t just plow ahead anyway. 

In case you are struggling with some of the issues about consent that seem to be confusing for some people, I’ve come up with a way of thinking that just might help you. 

From now on, treat all sex

The same way you treat Anal sex. 

Not everyone does it. Not everyone likes it. Don’t even bring it up until you’re comfortable together. They aren’t obliged to say yes even if you really want to do it. 

If they do like and trust you enough to do it, be careful, be conscientious, take care not to hurt them, and stop if they say to. Do everything you can to make it feel good and be enjoyable so they might want to do it again with you. 

Don’t assume that just because they did it before they are going to do it every time you want to. 
**yes, of course, there can be exceptions to any rule, but keeping this in mind for most situations certainly won’t steer you wrong. Erring on the side of too much consent* can only be a good thing. 

*you can’t have too much consent. 

Race Relations 

I don’t talk about race much. (Or other touchy hot topics.)

Um, for two main reasons:

1. I’m a scaredy cat who hates confrontation. I am super anxious to put my .02 in and get back $4 worth of shouty asswagon carting around their load of crap.  

2. I’m white. And as I become more aware of my own privilege I can see that we can be really insensitive while doing what we think is good work. 
So let me address those. 

I am working on being bolder. And as I do so I can try in my small way to be a point of light. But the truth is that it is an indication of one of the advantages that comes from being white in America that I am able to decide to not have confrontations about race. Not even to think about race at all. People of color don’t get to do that. 

Ever. 

Unless maybe they unplug from all forms of media and go sit on a mountaintop somewhere away from humans. Mostly the white ones. 

How incredibly lucky I am to have that option. I live in a small, conservative, mostly white town. This means that in order to interact with people who don’t look almost exactly like me, I have to actively seek them out. Which feels a little weird to me, to be honest. Luckily the internet is a much more vast and diverse place. I don’t have to go as far (or overcome quite as much social anxiety) to find diversity. 

Although I didn’t march this weekend, I was incredibly moved by the words and images of the Women’s Marches around the country and around the globe. 

One thing I have learned in recent times is that we need to listen to people when they try to tell you what it’s like to be their type of person. 

So when my friend who is Korean and is very informed and active about equality and racism posted a picture and articles about how people of color are marginalized even in marches and rallies that are touted as inclusive, it is my job as an ally to listen to her and hear her and look at my own perceptions and behaviors with as little of my own filters as I can manage. To listen to her words and the words of others recounting their experiences as people of color in a whitecentric society and not judge them as somehow overreacting or bringing race into everything. 

Try really hard not to get defensive when you find out that maybe you could do better at your activism as an ally. 

My friend who posted the picture and articles was accused of being racist by an angry white lady all through the comments on her post. She also tried to band together with me as a fellow white person being hated for the color of our skin. Which we weren’t. At all.  Ever. 

Once she realized…something…she deleted all her ridiculous and hateful comments and ran for the hills. 

Only to do it all again the next day. Including, again, the “Dirty Deleting.”

Sometime in the second batch, my friend tagged in a page on Facebook. 

This one:
https://www.facebook.com/whitenonsenseroundup/  

This is a page that will, among other ally actions, step in and take over explaining/arguing with bigots about racism so people of color don’t always have to explain their position to people who create, minimize, or disbelieve that position. 

It’s made up of white people who are trying to dismantle racism from the privileged side while not excluding or belittling those they are trying to help. 

This is what I was looking for. I’ve been feeling called…but hadn’t found the thing(s). 

If I am quiet because a conversation with a bigot makes me uncomfortable, then I am choosing my own comfort over the lives and safety of my friends and family and brothers and sisters who systematically suffer from the effects of racism and bigotry. 

From now on, I will try very much harder to choose discomfort. As one of the leaders of White Nonsense Roundup said in a podcast I listened to this morning, “An uncomfortable conversation won’t kill you. You know what might kill you? Racism.”

New Years Resolutions

I read a post on how the New Years resolutions seem to mostly be designed by the patriarchy to keep women less than. And that while men get some kickback it’s really not as pervasive for them. 

Agreed. 

This is my response:

 it’s also capitalism. It’s patriarchal, of course. the “”health” and beauty” industry is like one giant metaphoric foot binding.

 Not only does it hurt and not give what it said, but it keeps us hobbled so we can’t be free on our own. And as long as we can only see how we don’t measure up (and keep buying/trying/dying to do so) we can never really come into our power.

 Because the patriarchy lives in eternal fear of the matriarchy and women’s true full power.

Carols

Yesterday I was driving alone and an old style Christmas carol came on. “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” I sang along as I haven’t in quite a while. (Wonderful what the solo car let’s one do.)

I was reminded of when I was a kid and we lived with my grandparents. We would gather round and sing carols as part of our family gathering. 

We did it for more than one reason, but one of the main reasons was because my Aunt Barbara loved it. She had cerebral palsy and epilepsy and most of the time she lived in care. But she would come home for the holidays and she loved to sing the carols. 

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. And that carol on the radio just felt nice. Like a hug from my Christmas Past. 

Felicitous Salutations on Your Light in the Darkness Winter Festivities!!

May the Love and Light Warm Your Heart

And the World. 

My thoughts on why run for president. 

So, I was trying to figure out why Trump even ran for president. It’s not like he doesn’t have other shit going on. 

I have a friend who said she thought it was because he was bored. Maybe that’s part of it. Or the challenge of seeing if he could pull it off. 

I think those are factors, but not the main reason. I couldn’t figure it out at first. What was his payoff? He wouldn’t do it without an endgame. 

And then he appointed his Ambassador to the Philippines who happens to be a guy who is helping build Trump’s hotel there. 

And then everything clicked and I saw the game. 

You know that well to do person who gets on the city council or the county planning committee in order to influence the zoning and regulations in their favor? And the favor of their friends and cronies?

This is the ultimate version of that. He now gets to wheel and deal his way across the globe using his position of power as well as his wealth to grab the globe by the pussy. He can take what he wants as much as he wants and few will gainsay him because his worshippers have definitely drunk the koolaid and nobody can have a calm discussion anymore. 

I hope the rest of the world boycotts us and him. I hope they rise up in regulatory and negotiation resistance. I hope the people here figure out little he cares for the little people. Because the people who put him there are the ones who’ll be first effected. 

Try. Try to reach across party lines to foster real discussion and constructive debate. We can’t stand around taking stabs at each other anymore. We need to collaborate. It’s truly the only way out of this clusterfuck we’ve built for ourselves. 

Let’s Pretend

Let’s pretend

Just for a minute 

Let’s pretend 

that I’m not a 

whiny, entitled, libtard, idiot. 

Let’s pretend 

Just for a minute 

That you’re not a

Redneck, racist, asshole. 

Just for a minute

Let’s pretend that there is more to your story than the soundbites the media feeds us about you and your kind acting with hate. 

Let’s pretend 

Just for a minute 

That there’s more to my story than the soundbites the media feeds us about me and my kind acting entitled and looking for a handout. 

Let’s pretend 

For a minute or two

Or maybe an hour

That the full complexity of you or me cannot be summed up in 30 seconds of yelling on tv in a volatile situation filtered by the powers that own the media who can’t stand the thought that we might stop fighting and figure out the wizard is behind the curtain frantically manipulating the special effects. 

Let’s pretend we’re humans who are in this together. Let’s pretend we don’t hate each other and maybe only misunderstand where the other is coming from. 

Let’s pretend we can talk to each other 

and listen to each other with open hearts and closed mouths and open minds. 

Let’s pretend. 

Just

For

Minute

Blinders

It’s like we are standing facing each other. So I can see what’s going on behind you and you can see what’s going on behind me. But neither of us can see behind our side. 
I see posts about people who feel freed to act out against those damn [racial slur deleted] or [religious slur deleted] in the way they always wanted. Because they think it’s okay now. 
I see posts about how the rioting protesters are acting ridiculous and should just shut up and go home. 
But I don’t see these posts from the same people. It’s like we don’t even see the same things. 
We are all self feeding our own points of views with the tv we choose and the internet we select. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t watch what you want. I’m just saying to take off our blinders and seek out more than one or two information sources. Don’t assume that the other party is lying just because you don’t agree. 
We will have to find a more middle ground which means everyone will need to listen more. And listen to more sides than just our own. 
I love you. I love you as more than your politics. I want you to do the same. Project your own feelings of dismay or disenfranchisement or fear onto the other side. They are feeling it too. Either that is why you wanted change or that is the reaction to this change. 

We can no longer afford to be stubborn polarized cronies. Or we’ll see it all come to a terrible end. And the people who will lose aren’t any of those candidates…it’ll be the regular folks. 

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