Untitled Post (I’ll try to think of something later unless I forgetstinate to do it.)

Strange and beautiful.
I love the Bloggess. Her humor, her openness about her struggles with mental illness, and her ability to put it into words that other people can hear and feel and use really is a gift. I struggle with some of her same issues, but not to the same extent as she and others do. I have never felt any urge to self harm or suicide. And that is a very good thing. But at the same time, that would be a very clear sign that something was going on a perhaps an outside view is required. 

I have had some things in my life in recent years that were very sad. I believe that it is right and good to be sad and/or depressed when sad depressing things happen. But if that is the case then with time and maybe some therapy or whatever helps you process your feelings, then those feelings will ease and become less urgently painful. 

Through a series of events, some my own fault, some really not (I don’t actually control the universe) I have some things that have been unresolved and therefore I have been stuck. 

Sort of in this in between place where I can’t make any real meaningful decisions about the future.  I can imagine, of course. But it’s really hard to plan without the tangibles in place. 

So I’ve been waiting. 

And waiting. 

I’ve got to say that I’ve never been really good at waiting. I usually mask it pretty well. But this suspended animation that I feel like I’ve been in has been wearing me down. 

Some of the things are finally coming to their conclusions. So that, I think, allows me to see inside my chrysalis a bit better to be able to remember that there are probably things I can do to nudge myself out of my chronic ennui and apathy low energy corner that I’ve painted-been painted into. 

Right now everything feels hard and not worth the effort. That’s what I notice is wrong. So I need to remember that that probly isn’t precisely the case and work on re calibrating my brain a bit. 

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